A new friend

Lets begin by writing a bit about the past. ... Here it goes:  My mother had a affair with a married man. I have a half sister (2) and a half brother that is 4 mos older then I am. I never knew my father or his family. My mother met a man when I was 3 years old. There was a issue about me being from another man or it could be that I didn't like him and cried to much. Not sure why I was given to my grandmother but the fact is my grandmother raised me and thankful she did. I remember looking through the white pages (no internet in those days) and calling every J Rice asking if he was my father. I guess I just wanted to know where the other half of my creation came from. My mother had her own family to raise and she came to visit but, alas not to see me but to see my grandparents.

At 15 yrs old, my uncle was reading the paper when he mentioned a J Rice. Now thinking about it, I think they knew it was my father but didnt know how to tell me.  The next day I called the funeral home and asked them for my fathers phone number or should say his wives number to make sure it was him.  I closed my bedroom door and made that call with shaking hands.  I clearly remember apologizing for calling but that I was wondering if this was the J Rice... I didnt finish because she asked .. If I was Yvonne.  It was my father and for the second time in my life I was going to see him face to face but he wouldnt be able to respond back... he was dead.

I met his kids and one of them didnt like me (the youngest) but, I understood and was okay with it all. after they buried my father I wanted to get to know them but his wife asked me to stay away because it was just to much for the kids. I respected her wishes. I stayed away for 5 yrs and I went back to her home because I had written a letter wanting to get to know my siblings. A man answered the door said he lived there and was Toni's roommate. I asked him if he could please give the letter to her. I never heard back. I guess I just wanted to know about my dad and they were the only ones who had the answers to my questions. I left them alone.

The computer world came into existance and I started researching, looking for each sibling.  I would give up for years and look again.  Then just recently I started googling and found them. One on facebook. I was excited yet scared that I would be rejected again. I wrote to Ruth because she was the nicest to me from all 3. I didnt hear back for awhile and I think I sent it knowing it could go either way.  She will respond in a good way or not at all. A chance I was willing to take.  She lives in my hometown and we havent really talked just a few emails back and forth. I wrote Wade but, to this day he hasnt responded which is okay. Ronda who I least expected to be nice is the most surprising of all. I truly believe we will be good friends. Will continue tomorrow... tired and its late..

A added concern

Well, the doctor has put me on Prednisone 20 mg 2x a day. If I was worried about gaining weight before now... lets just say I have pretty much gave up on that and have decided that I just want to "live" day to day.  Went for blood work and my creatine is at 2.05 down from 2.16. I hope it keeps going down. My left side of my face is very numb and my hand/foot but mostly hand goes into cramp mode. Not a good feeling and I can feel when its about to happen. My mind is foggy and I tend to forget things. Important I write things down and make sure I look like I know what I am doing. Doctor is sending me to a dietian to help with the portions of protein, I want to take care of me more then ever. I want to keep from getting dialysis as long as possible. At present I am experiencing the stomach bloating that comes from the steriods. Monday is the day I find out what my kidney biopsy results are. 

Left leg/ankle/foot is swollen but not to bad.  Left side of face is numb. It only gets this bad if I am stressing out about something.  Need to learn to relax and "breath".

Need to research and find what foods (healthy choices) so I dont gain as much weight as the steriods tend to do. My teeth are getting worse, the plak is bad and I started brushing with baking soda and peroxide. The medical bills have piled up and I have one company/doctor who I use to see pressuring me for full payment. They said if I show them my bank statement/pay stubs and my medical FMLA paperwork maybe they will work something out. (I dont think so) I have called to start bankruptcy paperwork. I am keeping current on the current bills but the past ones keep getting bigger because of the interest rates.  I think this is my only option right now.  I already have bad credit and to get harrassing phone calls just makes me feel hopeless and scared... If they garnish my checks I wont have enough to pay my rent and get my medications... yea, unfortunately I didnt want to go this route but I dont see another option.

Saturday....

so its after 10am and I was sitting here thinking about what I have written previously about wanting to lose weight, yet I have done the opposite. Seems like I am my own worst enemy. why do I keep putting off the thing I want the most? I always encourage my kids to go for what they want in life (legal that is) and yet here I am sitting and craving carbs, sugar and the things that I should not be consuming. I did have oatmeal with mapel which my son thinks is the worst smell in the morning.. (ooops) time to get up HELLOOOO.  SOOO today I have decided that there is no turning back and I will put up reminders in the kitchen. I have a cruise I am going to go on next June and I want to enjoy it to the fullest and wear short sleeve shirts, shorts and a bathing suit. Thats the thing, I dont have big legs, even being this heavy they are shapely its the middle part of my body and my arms (omgosh these arms) are huge (to me). 

Goals:

write in a food diary
take my body measurements
weigh myself once a week
count calories (1200) allowed 
burn at least 2000 calories daily
(I can do this because I have done it)
no soft drinks (tea, water and coffee)
write in my blog daily
and love myself... I deserve this.


This is a 8 month goal and the goal
is to lose 65 pounds

September 13, 2010

At home feeling depressed and ill, my body feels worn down from thinking to much. Feeling sad that I must move on regarding my relationship with the one man I truly loved. I took the day off to mourn, tomorrow is a new day and the day to brush off these feelings and start new.

Starting classes next week, this just might be what I am meant to do. Helping others takes my mind off what I am going through. I havent learned fully to love myself, to put myself first. I am a mom and even though my kids are almost grown... I feel so disconnected somehow with everything in my life.

Physically not healthy weight wise, stopped taking my medication because I am one of those who can not afford the prices the pharmaceuticals are charging. They are getting richer as I am getting more into debt. I have canceled the appointment for the kidney specialist because to be honest I just see anything new coming from that appointment and I dont want to pay 150.00 to be told... the same thing as the last time. Next week is the eye doctor and I know I will need to see her since my vision is getting worse, no idea if she is going to set up my surgery or not. She always seems to be in a hurry but, this time I wont let her just brush me off or I will just have to go see someone else. I am holding off getting shots to my knees until next month when I see the other specialist... crap all these doctors.. is this all I am living for??? working for??? is to pay doctors??? NO!!!!
Need to start thinking healing thoughts, speaking healing thoughts and accepting that things will get better.

Can a doctor heal a broken heart? I feel numb inside and yet angry at myself for letting myself fall for someone who collects hearts in a jar. (I love that song..thank you C. Perri)

I will only give myself today to mourn and tomorrow will be a new day, beginning. Sometimes the happy ending is.... just moving on.

fat old lady

Decided to start a blog. A new journey of being healthy in mind, body and spirit. I will be turning 50yrs old this month and seems that I havent accomplished very much in those years. I have no desire to be involved because I don't love myself and I know if my heart isnt open to love then no one can really love me. Lately all I have wanted to do is escape and sleep. I spent my vacation in my bedroom watching movies and sleeping (sad I know) I hurt in my body and my strength is not what it use to be. I weighed myself this morning with sad results. I gained 10lbs how depressing but, if I don't start doing something about this then I have only myself to blame. No more lies.. it is all up to me to eat right, to exercise TO GET OFF MY BUTT. I love watching biggest loser and other shows that enspire you to reach those goals. Here is what I plan to do: write daily of my activities and eating. Weigh in once a week and post it even if it means admitting I blew it that week.

1/2/2010 weigh in: 208.5

I have other issues I am dealing with, a son who has a anger problem and thinks getting high solves all his problems. He doesnt work, doesnt go to school and basically spends his time next door playing video games with the other kid that is in the same boat as he is. 20 yrs old and wont do a damn thing to get his life together. He is mean, disrespectful but, when he is nice its only because he wants something. Pretty sad that at times I do not like my son.