so its after 10am and I was sitting here thinking about what I have written previously about wanting to lose weight, yet I have done the opposite. Seems like I am my own worst enemy. why do I keep putting off the thing I want the most? I always encourage my kids to go for what they want in life (legal that is) and yet here I am sitting and craving carbs, sugar and the things that I should not be consuming. I did have oatmeal with mapel which my son thinks is the worst smell in the morning.. (ooops) time to get up HELLOOOO. SOOO today I have decided that there is no turning back and I will put up reminders in the kitchen. I have a cruise I am going to go on next June and I want to enjoy it to the fullest and wear short sleeve shirts, shorts and a bathing suit. Thats the thing, I dont have big legs, even being this heavy they are shapely its the middle part of my body and my arms (omgosh these arms) are huge (to me).
Goals:
write in a food diary
take my body measurements
weigh myself once a week
count calories (1200) allowed
burn at least 2000 calories daily
(I can do this because I have done it)
no soft drinks (tea, water and coffee)
write in my blog daily
and love myself... I deserve this.
This is a 8 month goal and the goal
is to lose 65 pounds
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
September 13, 2010
At home feeling depressed and ill, my body feels worn down from thinking to much. Feeling sad that I must move on regarding my relationship with the one man I truly loved. I took the day off to mourn, tomorrow is a new day and the day to brush off these feelings and start new.
Starting classes next week, this just might be what I am meant to do. Helping others takes my mind off what I am going through. I havent learned fully to love myself, to put myself first. I am a mom and even though my kids are almost grown... I feel so disconnected somehow with everything in my life.
Physically not healthy weight wise, stopped taking my medication because I am one of those who can not afford the prices the pharmaceuticals are charging. They are getting richer as I am getting more into debt. I have canceled the appointment for the kidney specialist because to be honest I just see anything new coming from that appointment and I dont want to pay 150.00 to be told... the same thing as the last time. Next week is the eye doctor and I know I will need to see her since my vision is getting worse, no idea if she is going to set up my surgery or not. She always seems to be in a hurry but, this time I wont let her just brush me off or I will just have to go see someone else. I am holding off getting shots to my knees until next month when I see the other specialist... crap all these doctors.. is this all I am living for??? working for??? is to pay doctors??? NO!!!!
Need to start thinking healing thoughts, speaking healing thoughts and accepting that things will get better.
Can a doctor heal a broken heart? I feel numb inside and yet angry at myself for letting myself fall for someone who collects hearts in a jar. (I love that song..thank you C. Perri)
I will only give myself today to mourn and tomorrow will be a new day, beginning. Sometimes the happy ending is.... just moving on.
Starting classes next week, this just might be what I am meant to do. Helping others takes my mind off what I am going through. I havent learned fully to love myself, to put myself first. I am a mom and even though my kids are almost grown... I feel so disconnected somehow with everything in my life.
Physically not healthy weight wise, stopped taking my medication because I am one of those who can not afford the prices the pharmaceuticals are charging. They are getting richer as I am getting more into debt. I have canceled the appointment for the kidney specialist because to be honest I just see anything new coming from that appointment and I dont want to pay 150.00 to be told... the same thing as the last time. Next week is the eye doctor and I know I will need to see her since my vision is getting worse, no idea if she is going to set up my surgery or not. She always seems to be in a hurry but, this time I wont let her just brush me off or I will just have to go see someone else. I am holding off getting shots to my knees until next month when I see the other specialist... crap all these doctors.. is this all I am living for??? working for??? is to pay doctors??? NO!!!!
Need to start thinking healing thoughts, speaking healing thoughts and accepting that things will get better.
Can a doctor heal a broken heart? I feel numb inside and yet angry at myself for letting myself fall for someone who collects hearts in a jar. (I love that song..thank you C. Perri)
I will only give myself today to mourn and tomorrow will be a new day, beginning. Sometimes the happy ending is.... just moving on.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
fat old lady
Decided to start a blog. A new journey of being healthy in mind, body and spirit. I will be turning 50yrs old this month and seems that I havent accomplished very much in those years. I have no desire to be involved because I don't love myself and I know if my heart isnt open to love then no one can really love me. Lately all I have wanted to do is escape and sleep. I spent my vacation in my bedroom watching movies and sleeping (sad I know) I hurt in my body and my strength is not what it use to be. I weighed myself this morning with sad results. I gained 10lbs how depressing but, if I don't start doing something about this then I have only myself to blame. No more lies.. it is all up to me to eat right, to exercise TO GET OFF MY BUTT. I love watching biggest loser and other shows that enspire you to reach those goals. Here is what I plan to do: write daily of my activities and eating. Weigh in once a week and post it even if it means admitting I blew it that week.
1/2/2010 weigh in: 208.5
I have other issues I am dealing with, a son who has a anger problem and thinks getting high solves all his problems. He doesnt work, doesnt go to school and basically spends his time next door playing video games with the other kid that is in the same boat as he is. 20 yrs old and wont do a damn thing to get his life together. He is mean, disrespectful but, when he is nice its only because he wants something. Pretty sad that at times I do not like my son.
1/2/2010 weigh in: 208.5
I have other issues I am dealing with, a son who has a anger problem and thinks getting high solves all his problems. He doesnt work, doesnt go to school and basically spends his time next door playing video games with the other kid that is in the same boat as he is. 20 yrs old and wont do a damn thing to get his life together. He is mean, disrespectful but, when he is nice its only because he wants something. Pretty sad that at times I do not like my son.
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